For the last week or so the pain in my left foot has not really been that bad, or so it seems. I had the electrical jolts for a few days which was followed by an "electrical hum" that was vibrating the inside of my foot, and now nothing. However I realized today the reason it has not been hurting so much is because I cannot feel it at all. I can tell that my right foot is there, I can wiggle the toes and rotate the ankle but I cannot do that with the left foot. It is weird because I know it is there and my brain is telling me "find your foot" which is when the "humming" starts again. Very strange indeed.
The pain in my back is also moving again. Every now and then I notice the pain in a new spot, like right now it is moving over to the right side of the small of the back. It starts out as a knot, almost like a muscle spasm but then the slow burning starts and that is when it really sucks. What's truly sad is that I have almost become used to new pain and actually expect it.
Thankfully the pain management doc has been great in listening and discussing what meds I am on or should be trying, especially since he gave me the lidoderm patches. When I was seeing my own personal physician for pain management I only had one med and then it was only once every 12 hours. If you had breakthrough pain then I was basically sucking until the next dose.
What I really like with the new doctor is that I have several non-narcotic options for when there is new pain or breakthrough pain, options like the lidoderm. While I will be on pain meds for pretty much the rest of my life it is nice to know that there are still some alternatives that don't involve narcotics.
Sometimes it is scary to realize that at 34 years old I will have to be on medication for the rest of my life. I read somewhere that "In many instances doctors, relatives, and friends fail to realize that the pain can be as bad as terminal cancer, without the prospect of death to end the suffering" and that was pretty sobering. After reading something like that it is pretty tough to even begin to deal with what you will be facing every single morning you wake up.
Sometimes the toughest part of this all is not that I am in pain and not that I will be on medication but rather that working is out of the picture. Driving is a huge no go, obviously being on pain meds makes driving a problem. I also find that even just sitting in the car for a few minutes becomes very painful, making my legs go numb. It makes it hard to drive if you can't feel your legs. Even if I could find transportation to work finding a job that will fit within my physical abilities will be tough. I would have to be able to have something that requires no lifting, squatting or bending. I would have to be able to sit/stand as need be as the pain can get intense if I am in one position to long. Then if I could find something that would fit within the guidelines I could not pass the drug test. Even though all my meds are prescribed no company is going to hire someone who is on constant pain meds, their workers comp insurance would freak out.
I know, I sound like I am whining but I am actually not. I would love to be able to go back to work even if it is only part time, to have some company that does not require a diaper change every 2 hours or throw legos at you. I love my kids and especially love that I get to be here with them as they are growing, but taking a break here and there would not be so bad, right?
Some days it all just sits on your chest and it can get to you. I would love to climb back in to bed and sleep the day off hoping that the next one is better. Thankfully I have a great family who make the pain manageable. I mean who could think of a better way to be awakened to your toddler giving you kisses and saying "get up and play daddy!"
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