Time alone?

I am so tired right now I can barely keep my eyes open and it is barley 8:30pm. I never knew that doing nothing would be so tiring!

I still had a bit of a headache this morning so my lovely wife told me to go back to bed. Of course when she does that I feel so bad. I often tell her that we do not get to spend enough time together like we used too. I am not talking about going out on a "date" or anything like that but just time where we could both be in the same room and just talk or even just watch some of our favorite shows together and if possible after the boys have gone to bed so it is just true alone time. We love the boys very much but like any parents know having even just 30 minutes of time without them is hard to do so it has to be after bed generally.

Of course I always feel bad that she is off at work and I am stuck at home. It is not being "stuck at home" that bothers me it is that it is sometimes I feel as I am not contributing financially leaving 100% of the burden on her. It used to be that we both had great jobs but when I got hurt that was all she wrote. Since Social Security is still taking their time to approve my disability it leaves me unable to contribute financially to the family funds. It sucks, especially when you used to be a 2 income family.

I don't like at my injuries as a disability that prevent me from being able to work. I have in fact tried to find something that I am able to do as well that would provide a decent income. It does not have to be a ton of money but each time we would run into the same problems, the jobs required far more then I was physically able to provide or the pay was barley minimum wage. Sure minimum wage is still income but when you would only get 15 hours or so a week during which time you would have to put your child in day care, well you get the picture.

Anyway I would love to have my wife not have to work as much as she does. When we married I know it was for better of for worse, Sickness and health and she has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I always feel like somehow I have "gotten out" of my vows and the promises I have made to her and she has to be the one to pull 100% of the financial weight of this family. I hate the fact that we do not have a lot of money, while we were not rich before we were doing well. We owned a second home (rental) and always had nice clothes and new cars. That has all gone away with my inability to work full time. I feel sometimes like that is all my fault.

I am not depressed. In fact quite the opposite, I feel good today but these are things that obviously are always floating around in my mind.